Hi Tony,

I am by all worldly measures very successful.  I make more money than I ever imagined possible, I have a senior management role, a beautiful wife and family, and overall I’m decent health.  I work pretty much non-stop, but the financial security my income provides is very comforting.  All is great, except for one thing.  I’ve never been more unhappy in my entire life.  There is no joy in my life, and I feel like a shell of a person going through the motions every day.  I’ve lost my way somewhere, and I’m not sure how I even got to this point. I know I need help, but I don’t even know where to start. 

-Unhappy in Kansas City

Dear Unhappy,

I would venture to say that many people who are outwardly successful can relate somewhat to how you feel.  Our world defines success as earning high amounts of money, having some level of status or title, being powerful in business or government, being a hard-working individual or highly dedicated to one’s profession, and external beauty or looking good.  Collectively these represent an extrinsic focused scorecard that leave us addicted to “being externally successful”, while often suffering privately. The problem is you can never quench the thirst for external success, and the scorecard leaves out those rewards that leave us fulfilled and happy in our lives. 

The material things in life are not bad in and of themselves.  It’s when we attach so much meaning to them that they dominate our lives, and we can’t see success defined in any other way. 

A new scorecard, based on intrinsic happiness, would include the following: 

• Connection to others
• Close companionship
• Positive relationships 
• Rich spiritual life or belief in a higher power
• Marriage, or a long-term positive relationship with someone
• Having personal control, or autonomy
• Growth through learning new skills, or mastering existing skills 
• Being extroverted
• Being generous
• Being hopeful 
• Being grateful

The above attributes are outlined in Jim Loehr’s book, “The Only Way to Win” and are backed up by dozens of research projects.  I tend to agree with Jim’s perspective that it is OK to strive for success in one’s career and profession, but it is not adequate to lead a fulfilling life full of happiness. 

The reality is to be successful and happy you need a more complete scorecard.  Most of us at some point of our lives leave out intrinsic measures as we pursue our extrinsic goals and rewards.  The sooner you can design a more complete scorecard the better off you will be. 

As for a suggestion, I would recommend you take stock of your life and make a list of the things that really matter to you.  These may be things you have that make you truly happy, but you don’t get to spend enough time with them (with your spouse for example, or your children).  It may be things that don’t yet exist in your life but that you want more of, say in spiritual growth or being more generous with your time or money.  Take some time and think through what really matters to you. 

Next, review how you are spending your time, and assess how your addiction to success is impacting your decisions to allocate your time each day, week, month, year.  Decide today to rearchitect that time to being more balanced by including the importance of intrinsic rewards in your life. 

I have no doubt that you will over time evolve to becoming happier and more fulfilled if you do this.  Everyone deserves a just reward for their hard work and commitment to their professional life.  But it shouldn’t stop there. We should all be happy and fulfilled as we journey through life, and if you use the right scorecard, it is truly possible for us to have it all – a successful and fulfilling life.

-Tony